Season 3: Episode 2

As it turns out, I am more comfortable talking about the things that most would prefer to bury than really anything else.

After writing that out, I realize that I have often found myself shy and unsure how to socially fit in and maybe, just maybe it’s because I cannot understand why we aren’t all just walking around talking about what is truly on our hearts.

I have decided that sometimes I will write reflections on our episodes as a way to expand the conversation and invite you into the thoughts in my head. I would say it is rather rare for me to leave a conversation without later thinking about what might have been misunderstood, how I could have been a better listener or something more I wish I would have said. Our podcast episodes are no different. The cool thing is that John falls asleep and wakes up next to me, so we are able to find pockets of time to revisit our conversations, but as for you…well we have this blog and social media and hopefully more episodes.

Especially as we move through this season you’ll be listening in real time as John and I learn what it means to honor the depressed parts of me. I would say what we have found most powerful is that we finally have a name and some more words to identify what is happening when the depressed parts show up and take control. What might be most challenging is that while we share this new understanding, there is no way to predict or forsee when this might happen. It’s a very new experience and we are just figuring out how to communicate about it and how to support one another.

In the past and for as long as I have known John, when these emotions would overcome me I would attempt to control, change, fix or deny them so that I could move forward and so this part of me that I was refusing to acknowledge could continue to remain hidden. Sometimes, probably a lot of times it worked enough so that the people I loved weren’t terribly impacted. Best case scenario, some of the tools I have developed to manage these symptoms would work as a temporary remedy. Often times I would successfully suppress and deny the feelings enough so that only I had to hold the burden. But worst case scenario, the denied emotions would find their way out in unexplained anger, inability to follow through and show up for people, sadness or a short temper. All of these scenarios caused unnecessary additional pain and shame.

With this new recognition I am committed to sharing with John when these feelings arise, so that we can figure out the next right step together. We are both finding our way with this and it is not easy, but he has been so loving and understanding, even when rational understanding is simply unavailable. When I listen to our episode I can hear some of the fear and uncertainty through what John chooses to say and what he doesn’t say. I feel the love and his desire to protect me from whatever we might not know. I love him so much for that and still, I know in my heart that talking even from a place of uncertainty is the only thing that will keep me from feeling shame.

When I left the doctor’s office with clinical validation that something very real was happening I felt like my whole life was starting! Like, of fucking course I live with depression. My belief is that I will never be able to change that and truly, I don’t want to. But now I can learn how to take care of myself rather than trying to fix myself. I really don’t feel broken at all, I feel like I suddenly see myself as a whole person. Just as we are born of the stars with a map to our unique existence, I think this is a part of me that has just been dying to be recognized. I know that sounds like a pretty optimistic view of depression and I am sure that many who’s depression presents in other ways would never be able to look at their own diagnosis as a beautiful thing. Still I believe that though it often causes sadness and suffering, this part of me has given me a view of the world that no one else has.

No life is without sadness and suffering. But maybe individually we would all experience less of it if we had the courage to understand ourselves better and to reveal our shadow sides and our scars to the world because really, I think we are all hiding a lot of the same things.

Ok, I have to get out of my head for now.

xx,

J